... a personal message from HM The Queen

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... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby scaro » Wed Apr 18, 2012 10:55 am

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby ConducTTor » Wed Apr 18, 2012 11:28 am

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby jmass » Wed Apr 18, 2012 11:30 am

in the immortal words of onslow from that great british sitcom keeping up appearances, nice!
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby Arseny » Wed Apr 18, 2012 1:14 pm

Just yesterday I've watched the "King Ralph" film. :lol:
I remember the discussion between Ralph and Cedric about July 4th. :lol:

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.


What a cruel torture! :lol:
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby dileTTante » Wed Apr 18, 2012 1:18 pm

One of me mum's favourite shows is 'Keeping Up Appearances'.

She's in Ohio, so of course she's a fan of American football. I was visiting during World Cup and watched as many games as possible. She watched, too, and became a soccer fan. I asked her last year which she preferred, college or pro football. She said pro, 'coz they're meaner'. Last year we watched a rugby match on the tellie and she and Dad were astounded. In their late 80's, never too old to learn.

Here in Canada --http://metronews.ca/news/canada/105683/u-k-discussed-nixing-canadian-charter/ -- 'OTTAWA – The British cabinet considered denying Canada’s proposal to create a Charter of Rights amid concern that Pierre Trudeau was pushing the plan without the desired backing of the provinces, declassified records show.'
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby AstroGoat760 » Wed Apr 18, 2012 6:43 pm

How about Dr. Who? Great show, and I am looking foward to a comic book series coming out soon that has the crew of the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D teaming up with the 11th Doctor to fight a Borg / Cybermen alliance.

Another good one was Are You Being Served? That and the sequel Grace and Favour.
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby jmass » Wed Apr 18, 2012 7:26 pm

and just to show how bad american sitcoms have become i now look foward to saturday night where pbs run british sitcoms from 8 to 1030. included are keeping up appearances, astime goes by, fawlty towers, last of the summer wine and yes prime minister. a powerfull lineup. followed by doc martin!
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby AstroGoat760 » Wed Apr 18, 2012 7:54 pm

jmass wrote:and just to show how bad american sitcoms have become i now look foward to saturday night where pbs run british sitcoms from 8 to 1030. included are keeping up appearances, astime goes by, fawlty towers, last of the summer wine and yes prime minister. a powerfull lineup. followed by doc martin!


Agreed. It seems like damnable near everything on US airwaves now is either completely insipid (such as Two and a Half Men), brainless (such as WWE "Wrestling"), and/or immature (again Two And A Half Men comes to mind, although "brainless" also applies to that show as well.).

I prefer to get my news from the BBC due to reduced bias and being more to the point.

The last US live action show that I kept up with was Knight Rider

I guess that this would be as good as any post to make mention of my desire to build a TT3 scale TARDIS for my British layout.
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby Arseny » Thu Apr 19, 2012 5:25 am

scaro wrote:Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).


BTW, if so, should we get our Alaska back? 8-)

Abramovich will return you your $7.2 million back. :lol:
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Re: ... a personal message from HM The Queen

Postby richardedmonds » Thu Apr 19, 2012 6:17 am

Abramovich will return you your $7.2 million back. :lol:[/quote]

he spent more than that on Chelsea FC and sacking managers who didn't do what he wanted

Brilliant though Ben I did have to chuckle you still have that prime Aussie humour. I am surprised at how many non-Brits watch our old telly programmes and enjoy them as much as i did as well. But i think the Americans win the interest tv battle for me, I don't know how I would get on without Discovey channel and American chopper and God rest Boyd Coddington
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